****Song Mood of the Moment: "3x5", and "Wheel" by John Mayer.****
What prompts things to change? Is it the sun, is it fate, or maybe the exact second a leaf falls in some distant forest, change is activated?
I HATE CHANGE.
Change is my mortal enemy. To quote myself From "What's Yanagi?
", I hate Change. 'Change means you lose someone or something dear to you.' Change takes things away from me, ALWAYS. Change is never for the better in my life. Sad, but true.
I haven't posted in a while. The fact is, is that I have lost the use of my right hand. My right hand, the one I type, draw, write, and basically do EVERYTHING with, is defunct. On top of that, it was caused by my job, so I am currently embroiled in a battle with my employer's workmans comp. carrier.
Remember, I was so happy to move into my new apartment? So happy was I...
Apparently others don't appreciate that, because, people let me down. When I say people, I really mean someone- my former fiancee.
I am, in hindsight, as I tediously type this instead of packing boxes on what was supposed to be my wedding day, glad that I got to see his true character (or lack thereof) before I took too big of a leap.
There are things you just don't see, or you excuse them, until hindsight kicks in. My former fiancee is a lazy, conceited, self-concerned son of a bitch who, if he cared about me, would have tried harder to hold
my failing life together. Back at the end of April, I started having trouble with my hand. By the 1st week in May, my right hand was paralyzed. I could not work, and while I waited for workmans comp. I was not getting paid. However, my fiancee still didn't have a job from getting laid off his previous one in early March. And he didn't particularly want one either. I pushed and pushed, and he got a job at the local hospital, where he quit a week later because he "just couldn't stand the place, and the mexicans were pointing and laughing at him.". He has not had a job since then, which is a whole month and a half. He refused to take any jobs that he could have gotten simply, like fast food, simply because if he was going to work, it should be something really easy. And fast food is a hard job, and he just can't work a hard job. It should be a sit back, kick back one. (He claims his back is hurting from a car accident in april, but he refuses to get medical treatment for it. So, that's his own problem.) And, since I'm not getting any money, and he's not bringing in any, we got thrown out of our apartment.
However, for reasons undiscernable to ME
he isn't at fault for that. I can't see a scenario where that ISN'T his fault! And he thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, cause a video of him decking a kid in high school is going around the net right now and is really popular.
He cannot handle any kind of responsibility, and is a mama's boy to the very core. Everytime something goes wrong, he runs home to her. I mean, I'm very close to my parents, and I'm at their house a lot, but that's because I like to be around them, not because I want them to fix everything. Like I said, I've got only me to blame for falling for someone like that, but, you just don't see that in High School. Although, his flunking should have given me a clue. -_-;
All he wants to do is be on the computer playing MMORPGS all day long.
That's his ambition in life. It's disgusting. How can someone sit around and do nothing like that?
The major lession I've learned from this, is that I can't depend on him for ANYTHING! Not even to bother to check the fork he cleaned the George Foreman Grill fat catcher with before putting it back into the drawer without washing it and it having a big glob of hamburger fat on it that got all over the inside of the drawer and all over the other forks.
And the kicker? He blamed it on my sister. Who is deceased. I'm surprised she didn't come down and kick his ass for me for letting that one go!
I want to know that someone is THERE for me, if I need it. I'm a very independant person (My sis was too...) so when I am in a position to need help, I need it bad. Like right now.
My hand has been locked in a fist for over a month now, and the doctors are telling me that I might not recover, because my HMO kept me in limbo so long before checking into it.
With that being said, I am completely disgusted with my life, and it has taken me 3 hours to write this entry, 1 handed. I am trying to reteach myself to write, to draw on the computer. (It's ok, but not spectacular) However, I used to draw mostly on pen and paper, and on the computer very rarely. It's quite a difference. I don't really like it. I miss doodling.
But now, I get to move back in with my mom, sleep on her tile floor, (because my brother has the couch)and put up with her nosy, opinionated, annoying landlord, who lives with them.
So, I cried for 2 hours, couldn't sleep, contemplated suicide by taking a bunch of pills, talked myself out of it, got on my computer messenger, looked for SOMEONE to talk to (Preferably Drew-chan, as he is sometimes on at this time of morning, and Majo-chan is in Taiwan), and finally decided to blog.
So, here I am, another casualty of love and of Arnold. (Get in za choppa! Get yor ass to maaaars!)
Needless to say, my left hand feels a little lighter now.