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Friday, April 29, 2005
 

When Depression Turns to Rage...



****Song Mood of the Moment: "Between the Rainbow and the Sun" by Piyo Piyo.****

Yes, I realize that is an odd choice of a song to be listening to while angry. I was angry. I keep fluxuating between anger and some kind of irrational despair. This week I got diagnosed with "depression with slightly suicidal tendancies". Yup. Caused by my injury, we think. I'm only listed as suicidal because I mentioned to the psych that I had thought early on in my injury that everyone would be better off with me dead...
Right now, I FEEL dead, and that is the reason for the title. *points up* I have not been to bed yet. I have been up all night printing wedding programs for a friend who waited until the night before the day before her wedding to give me the information I needed for the fucking programs! Then, to make matters worse, she changed the entire formatting of the program, at 10:45 last night! She left so many things to the last minute! She had ONE WHOLE YEAR to plan this! All she did for the first 11 months was: book a reception hall, buy a dress, schedule a pastor and count down the exact hours and minutes until she got married!!!! Then, a week before the wedding, she suddenly realizes- 'Oh yah, I need to get 200 programs and make 200 party favors and get shoes and blah blah blah...'! WHY DIDN'T SHE DO THIS DURING THE OTHER 11 MONTHS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So, case in point, I've been up all night printing, and I'm expected to go help make the wedding cake today at 12pm, attend the rehersal dinner at 5pm, and make party favors when we get back to her new apartment! Her friend from Washington and I had to go run out and buy a last minute garter belt for her because she 'forgot about it'. I am so pissed, I could smash things! I am not going to get to bed at all, and I will be like SHIT for the wedding. She even had the gall to ask me to help decorate the reception hall today at 8am! I hope she's happy, expecting her friends to be slave labor. She's not even grateful, she's just barking orders at us and trying to make all of us handle stuff last minute that she should have arranged MONTHS ago!!!!!!!! And it doesn't help that her fiancee is encouraging this! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! >_<> And then, my anger fades to tears- what happened to my life? When will I be able to have my wedding and walk happily off into the sunset with my beloved? My happiness was so fleeting. One of my other 'jobs' was to get Japanese music for the reception and burn it to disc. While i was picking songs, some reminded me of my Anata-chan. Once I was done with the cd, I loaded up my Winamp with these songs:

1. Chihiro Yonekura - Butterfly kiss (4:20)
2. Doumeinna Hane Mitsuketa! - Doumeinna Hane Mitsuketa! (5:03)
3. Toki ni Ai Wa (4:12)
4. Sakura Tange & Junko Iwao - Anata to Ireba (4:36)
5. CoCo - Equal Romance (4:31)
6. HIRO - Mahou no Tsubasa (Magic's Wing) (4:28)
7. I've- Aki - Color of Happiness (2:11)
8. KOTOKO - Just as time is running out (4:54)
9. Hayashibara Megumi - In limitless desire (5:08)
10. Eiko Shimamiya - cross my heart (innocent world).mp3
11. Utena - Truth (4:22)
12. Ayana - Windy Destination (6:09)
13. John Mayer - Back To You (4:01)
14. Sheryl Crow - Light in Your Eyes (4:01)
15. Ojamajo Doremi - Tomorrow Maybe (3:30)
16. DoCo - Us From Now On (3:56)
17. Piyo Piyo - Between the Rainbow and Sun (4:16)
18. AKI - One Small Day (4:55)
19. Masami - Only One, No. 1 (3:52)
20. DiGi Charat - I'll Be Your Man (5:01)
21. Tokimeki no Doukasen (ending) (4:27)
22. John Mayer - Only Heart (3:50)
23. Saeko Chiba - Sayonara Solitaire (4:57)
24. Saeko Chiba - Here we stand in the morning dew (5:16)
25. Moeco Matushita - Ameagari (4:59)
26. Chihiro Yonekura - Sweet true love (3:59)

All are songs that make me think of my Darling. And I just started bawling and laughing for no reason [or sleep depravation]. I think I'm going insane. Very slowly, this wedding is killing me. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself become involved. I'm not one to admit that my depression may be a mental handicap that's just feeding off this wedding planning. I thought maybe I could get married by proxy, but...I think with lack of sleep and my mental state [My mental state is the brain equivalent of Texas; and you *know* how I feel about Texas.] I'm headed for a full-on total emotional meltdown. I can feel it.
My biological clock is spinning out of control, the hands are moving so fast, I can't even see them anymore, and the days, years, they tick by in agonizing blurs of seconds where nothing gets done, but should have been done. My whole being reeks of 'should have beens' and 'what ifs'. I feel like i'm running out of time, rushing toward the end of my own existance, feeling it loom like a Tsunami over me- feeling the finite fragments of passed seconds, chipping away at my soul. Every second of my life seems wasted, washing out to the sea of expended minutes and hours. There is such an old soul inside of me, and it tells me that I should be married by now, I should have had a child already, I should be content and rowing my way languidly down the river of life. Instead, I feel like my boat has capsized and I'm being swept away by the undertow. There is no way in HELL that I ever have been able to nor will ever be able to express how...desperate this makes me feel. It's like the world is in fast forward, and you are on frame by frame. [slow/shuttle to VCR users]. It's also sad and depressing, and frustrating. I shouldn't be feeling this way at 22, but, here I am.
The reason I chose my SMotM to be: "Between the Rainbow and the Sun", is because it's a song i've always thought of as my 'happy ending song'.
And dammed if I don't nedd a happy ending right now.