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Saturday, June 04, 2005
 

When Past and Present Collide



****Song Mood of the Moment: "Canary" by Kotoko of I'VE.****

What an appropriate song for how I'm feeling right now. -_-
I've had to come back to an issue that I thought was long gone in my love life, but just decided recently to rear it's had again...

::::DISCALIMER! Whiny, weepy, bitchy and possibly skewed relationship rant ensues beyond this point! This is your last chance to turn back!!!::::

I will start this story way, way back in the annals of High School, when I first met my boyfiend/ex-fiancee. We started dating in May of 99. It started out as one of those typical "flustered first time daters" romances, and went it along quite smoothly. I found myself head over heels in love with this cute, wonderful, sweet, funny, sensitive, and charming guy who was just looking for someone to love him. After 6 weeks, I knew I was in love with him, and I told him so one day after school. He just looked at me kind of dumbfounded, and went..."Oh...ok. I- I don't know how I feel about you though." And I said that it was fine, I just had wanted to share it with him, and he didn't have to answer me.
June of 1999 rolls around. School lets out for the summer, he and I promise to call each other and to go out on lots of dates and be together/get to know one another better, etc.
2 weeks go by, no phone call. So I call him. He pretty much says "hello" and "I have to go now, I'm busy." You see, he had been hooked into an MMORPG called Everquest, and decided that interacting with people that he had just met online was much more appealing than doing anything with his brand new girlfriend. I called a few more times, trying to get him to talk, to go out, to do something! I went over to his house a few times, but all that consisted of us doing was me watching him play the game. Around late July, I decided to stop calling him. Around Mid-August, I suppose he suddenly noticed that he hadn't had any contact with me for 3 weeks, so I guess he decided to call me. He invited me over to his house, we went swimming, and he told me that he was sorry for ignoring me, and that he loved me too.
It was the first, but not the last time in our relationship that he'd try to backtrack and use "sorry" and "I love you" as relationship superglue.
At the end of that summer, I ended up being dragged off to a pool party of his 'friend' Julie's and a surprise birthday party of Julie's, and both times, he ignored me and just kept trying to hang around her. I felt like such an idiot. Why would he beg me to go, then ignore me?
Enter September of 1999. It was an indian-type summer, so still hot outside. We were both anxious to see our friends again, me hanging out with art geeks, and he hanging out with a group that consisted of about 6 people that pretty much just smoked weed and fucked each other. [Except that my boyfriend never got any. He was always really bitter about that. A few years later, I found out the only reason he asked me out in the first place was because I had huge boobs, the girl he had had a crush on/wanted to screw for 3 years didn't want him, and I gave him the time of day. -_-] We met up in the morning, to poke at the posts on the wall telling us which class to report to. As soon as we were done with that, he suddenly noticed HER.
Oh yes. Surprised? This story involves another woman!
At anyrate, there SHE was, the girl he had had a crush on/wanted to fuck for 3 years. He considered her his best friend, even though she only gave him the time of day when it suited her. And apparently, she MUST have been wearing some kind of jeans enchanted to fit her just right, because THAT'S ALL HE WENT ON ABOUT FOR THE REST OF THAT DAY! How cute she was, how sexy those jeans were on her, how sexy/cute she looked in those jeans, etc, etc. At the end of the day, I was absolutely pissed, and quite a bit heartsick. I went home and cried in my room, and wondered why I had gotten myself tied into a guy like this- a guy who openly lusted after another woman, TO HIS GIRLFRIEND!
Apparently he had no idea why I was pissed at him. The rest of that incident is hazy, so I forget why I forgave him. But I did, and we continued on. All I heard was: "Julie this" and "Julie that" and I tried to ignore it. I figured, he'll shut up eventually- she barely gives him the time of day anyway. Once again, I'm an idiot.
Our groups of friends hung out on either side of a building, and noticing he hadn't left yet, I decided to sneak away from my friends and hang out with my boyfriend for a bit.
So, I turn the corner, and Julie is hanging all over him. >_<> Later, I got a phone call asking why I was being so emotional about the whole thing. He told me that he had a crush on her, and he wouldn't stop it, but he wouldn't talk about her to me anymore. I then got this possessive wave and thought: "I'm going to make him forget that whore ever existed!"
But all I heard was: "Julie this" and "Julie that" and I tried to ignore it. I figured, he'll shut up eventually- she barely gives him the time of day anyway.
That never happened. Summer of 2000 rolled around, and I graduated, leaving him to go back another year, all alone with that WOMAN. You have no idea how scared I was. I just knew in my heart something bad was going to happen.
I found it reassuring when he told me he was hanging out with a different group of friends- one not involving Julie. Apparently, she had gotten caught up in some drama over an ex-boyfriend of hers and my boyfriend kind of just wrote her off as a lost cause.
A little bit before the schol year ended for him, I found a pic of him and this wavy haired girl in a short short skirt and high heeled boots. It wasn't Julie, but a girl named Marlena. Some drama slut who he had the hots for in lieu of Julie!!!!! I was shocked. This time though, I had a backbone and confronted him about it. He said, and I quote: "Yea, I have a crush on her. It's 'cause she reminds me of you."
That's right...he'd rather have a crush on someone who REMINDS him of me, rather than BE WITH ME!
I then proceed to reiterate the WHOLE Julie story, this time, telling him the emotional hell I went through during that period of time. Told him how much I despised Julie, how I hated her guts, and how if I ever saw her on the street, I was quite likely to kill her, just so he'd never have a chance to be obsessed with her ever again. He told me that he had no idea where Julie had even gotten off to and for all he knew she was probably dead in a gutter somewhere with more emotional superglue with the "sorry"s and the "I love you!"s...
And things went on from there....
Flash forward to last week. My boyfriend and I are out at dinner, and he tells me that he just got in touch with his friend Tommy again. [Julie's ex-boyfriend] I told him that i thought he had been a little distant, not talking to me for long, not wanting to go out and do things, come over and visit, etc. A little later in the conversation, he tells me that he's been talking to Julie on AIM for the past week, and that he got her screenname from Tommy. Suddenly, it's like five years had never happened and in an instant, with one sentance, I was suddenly back in the year 2000. My heart broke in half. He began the whole speil that 'nothing had happened, and that if I didn't want him talking to her then he wouldn't.'
Something had already happened though. He had ignored me, put me off, and kept it from me for an entire week. I just sipped my tea miserably and felt like I was 17 again. All the same emotions and doubts came back- I kept thinking about how much better than me Julie was, how she had an obvious advantage over me with him, cause he'd leave me in an instant if he had the chance to be with her. That's how I feel. I've always felt inferior to Julie, because he loved her, wanted her, and put her on a pedastal, way over MY head, for 5 years. I don't think he's ever really stopped having a crush on her. Maybe he even loves her by now. But, I, wanting to be the bigger person, said it was fine if he talked to her. [Besides, it's AIM. How the hell would I be able to moderate him on AIM anyway?! He could continue talking to her without me knowing.] But in the parking lot, we talked about me having trust issues. I've always had them. I've never been able to trust a single person in my entire life. Why? Everyone always hurts me, ever since I was really young. So, I stop trusting people.
A few days after that we went out to dinner again and we went back to his house for a bit. So he jumps on the computer and begins to message Julie, leaving me lying on the bed. Suddenly he asks if it's ok that he's doing this, and he keeps coming over and saying "I love you" over and over again. I just say sure, and sleep off and on, trying to figure out my emotions on this matter. He tells me delightedly that she shares an obscure hobby of his- knowing data on US voice actors. My heart breaks even more. I've tried to be understanding of that hobby, really, I've tried, but... I'm just not interested in US voice actors.
And today, I still have no answer, and I still feel 17 again. I'm still afraid that he's going to run off with her because she's way better than I am in his eyes, I still feel like something horrible is happening right under my nose, and I still feel like an idiot. He keeps trying to get me to ok the fact that he wants to go 'hang out' with her now, or for us to 'hang out' together, because he thinks "we'll get along really well!". Honestly, I have nothing in common with her. She seems like she was just one of those whiny girls in High School who wanted to be popular, have drama, and get laid. She may be a little different now, but, I see no common ground in the future for us. I feel horrible and guilty for feeling like this. I also feel appropriate and vindicated in feeling like this. I feel like a victim and a villain all in one breath.
I thought I left my high school drama days behind. It's so bad that I drew a pic last night and almost listed the date as '2000'.
Apparently, I feel like I'm dammed if I do, and dammed if I don't. I don't know what to do, I just feel like crying all the time, and when I don't feel like crying my fucking eyes out I'm pissed off, or I'm pissed off and crying. Talking to him ain't gonna do a damn thing- never did in the past. He just seems to think I should let the past go because it was in the past, and why do I keep tormenting him with something he can't change? I wanna tell him something along thelines of "actions and concequences" but it would just go right over his head. Damn. ;_;
P.S: I got a call from him today. He says that his mommy ran out and bought him a Nintendo DS. I've been bidding the last bit of money on my credit card for the past 2 weeks trying to get him a DS for his birthday! The auction closes tomorrow, and thank god I got outbid. I mean, what the fuck would I do with one? I don't even want one. GODDAMMIT, EVERYTHING I TRY AND DO IS WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!! I JUST LOSE AT LIFE, DON'T YOU THINK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!